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Mothering Without a Mother: Why I Became a Doula
By Anna, Doula | annadoulasupport.co.uk

I’m Anna – a birth and postnatal doula, and a mother to my two sons. My oldest is 13, and my youngest is 10. Before I became a mother, and before I became a doula, I was a daughter – and I became a motherless daughter when I was 19. My mum died of breast cancer. She passed away on my 19th birthday.

It’s a day I’ll never forget – not just because no one ever forgets the day their mum dies, but because that date now holds a dual meaning for me. Grief and love are tangled up in it. It’s painful, but also carries a sense of connection to her – as if the universe marked that moment to tie us even closer.

This experience has shaped who I am in more ways than I can say. It’s the root of why I do what I do now. I became a doula because I know what it means to mother without your own mother. And I want to offer the kind of support I longed for when I had my babies.

What Is a Doula?

There are two kinds of doulas: birth doulas and postnatal doulas. I offer both. In essence, a doula provides emotional and practical support for women and their families during pregnancy, birth, and those tender early days after the baby arrives.

As a birth doula, I’m “on call” from two weeks before the due date until the birth happens – that means day or night, I’m ready to respond. I support families through antenatal sessions to help prepare emotionally and practically, and then I offer continuous support through labour and birth. That might start with a phone call or message, and then I’ll meet the woman at home or hospital and stay with her until her baby is born.

After a baby is born, I am a postnatal doula, offering a gentle presence in the home during those intense, vulnerable first weeks. I give reassurance, answer questions, signpost to other professionals where needed, and – just as importantly – I listen. Sometimes new mums just need someone to say, “Yes, that’s normal,” or “Let’s talk this through,” or even “You’re doing a great job.”

And sometimes they just need someone to hold the baby so they can have a shower.

Why I Do This Work

I’ve always worked with children and families, first as a teacher, and then providing outreach support ad running groups for parents with babies and young children in a Children’s Centre. After my youngest son was born, I was looking for something deeper – something more emotionally connected. When I discovered what a doula was, it just made sense to me. This was the work I was meant to do.

Every family is different, and every mother’s needs are unique. But I always hold in mind the support I would have wanted when I had my two sons – especially as a mother without a mother.

It hits you at the moments when you most expect her to be there. I didn’t fully feel the weight of it during my pregnancies – although I was aware of the gap. But when my due dates approached, and especially when my babies were born, the absence of my mum became huge. I remember thinking, when my oldest son was placed in my arms for the first time: “I just want my mum.”

A Doula is Not a Replacement – But She Can Be a Presence

I’ve had women say to me, “You are everything to a woman who doesn’t have her mum.” That always moves me deeply. I don’t think anyone can truly replace your mother, but I do think having someone who’s there, consistently and compassionately, can help fill some of that void – especially in such a raw and life-changing time.

I’ve supported women whose mothers have died, like mine. Others have mums who live far away or abroad and can’t be present. Sometimes that absence becomes part of our conversations early on in the pregnancy. More often, it emerges later – once we’ve built trust and they feel safe sharing those feelings.

And I get it. I don’t just understand it professionally; I feel it personally.

It’s Not Just Emotional – It’s Practical Too

My role as a postnatal doula also includes everyday help: settling the baby, helping with feeding – whether breast or formula – changing nappies, bathing the baby, and even household tasks like putting the dishwasher on or doing a load of laundry.

These small things make a big difference. When a new mum is exhausted, touched out, or overwhelmed, having someone there to simply say “You rest, I’ve got this” can be transformative.

And beyond that, I provide information. As a doula, I give evidence-based guidance – whether that’s about baby sleep patterns, postnatal healing, feeding, or warning signs to watch for. But I do it in a non-judgemental, gentle way. The aim isn’t to overwhelm a new parent with information – it’s to empower them.

Birth is Not Just Physical – It’s Emotional

I always encourage women to prepare for birth not just physically, but emotionally. That might mean doing antenatal classes or exploring hypnobirthing, or simply sitting down with their partner to talk through how they’re really feeling.

Because fear can creep in – especially if you’re holding past grief or unresolved feelings. I know I wish I’d had that kind of emotional preparation before my first birth. I had done antenatal classes, but I wasn’t truly ready in my heart.

So now, I try to offer that space for others. Space to talk, to process, to feel heard.

From My Story to Yours

Being a motherless mother is a unique kind of journey. It’s full of strength and resilience, but also deep yearning. The journey is yours, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

If you’re preparing to welcome a baby – whether it’s your first or your fifth – and you’re feeling the absence of your mum, please know that your feelings are valid. It’s OK to grieve and celebrate at the same time. It’s OK to need help.

That’s what I’m here for.

Whether you’re looking for support during labour, or someone to hold space for you in the days after your baby is born, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.

Because while I can’t bring your mum back, I can be the kind of support you need – the kind I once needed too.

If you’d like to learn more about birth or postnatal doula support, please visit my website: annadoulasupport.co.uk or get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.